Fun with the Wal-Mart Marketing Survey

The agency I work for belongs to a global network of independent agencies. Occasionally member agencies send out surveys to all of the other agencies in the network. Today, I got one from an anonymous agency apparently involved in the Wal-Mart AOR pitch. Below are the questions and my responses.

Please put on your consumer hat and take a couple of minutes to help this agency understand Wal-Mart's personality as a brand as they prepare for a pitch. Thank you for responding by end of day Tuesday, July 25.

1. If Wal-mart was a person, what would he/she be like?
What would they wear?
What would they drink?
What kind of a restaurant would they go to?
What kind of party would they throw?

If Wal-Mart was a person, she would have a penchant for Polyester and Beanie Babies. She would have at least two ribbon magnet on the back and/or sides of her Ford Taurus or Chevy Astro. If she wasn't drinking Wal-Mart brand cola, she would probably have heavily sweetened Ice tea in her hand -- instant will do. But in the evening, let's have a night cap. How does Milwaukee's Best sound? Better give me four. Having company, throwing a faux-country knick-knack party or just lounging around watching The Price is right? She’ll undoubtedly bust out a bottle of Peach Riuniti — on the rocks. What goes nicely with stretch pants than a T-shirt with a puppy on it? Maybe a sweatshirt adorned with puffy paint and sequins. Even a couple jingle bells, depending on the season. When it comes to feeding her family, she always treats them to a tantalizing spread that could include the likes of tuna casserole, beef stroganoff, fish sticks or Hamburger Helper. When it comes to dining out, though, it's either at McDonalds, (either the drive -thru or the handy Mickey-D's in the Wal-Mart) Cracker Barrel or Old Country Buffet. Occasionally, when they happen into a little extra dough from the slots or the scratch-off Lotto, they splurge and treat themselves to Red Lobster. It’s worth the wait.

2. What's great about Wal-Mart?

You can eat a Big Mac, buy paint, stock up on quasi-fascist automotive decals, buy jewelry, get a break job, have your elk bow restrung and buy fabric by the yard. Oh, and there's that guy in the wheel chair that hands out stickers at the front door.

3. What's bad about Wal-Mart?

I can never get a parking space with 400 yards of the building. There isn't one close to my house, I have to drive four blocks just to get my savings on.

4. What kind of responsibility comes with being the the world’s largest retailer?

Being environmentally conscious. Respectful to local economies. Treat your employees well and pay decent wages. Be fair -- don't let the unions or your vendors push anyone around. That's your job.

5. How is Wal-mart using it’s power, clout and influence?

To their fullest capacity.

6.
What decade do you think Wal-Mart “lives in”? 1950s, 1960s, etc.

1950's
1960's
1970's
1980's
1990's
2000's

Do you have any other comments?

Good luck with the rebrand. FYI, though, don't try to be Target. As it turns out, Target already does that. And that MySpace thing? What did you think was going to happen.

Do you know who I am?

I'm the Hoff! This guy is probably the most talented man on the planet. I mean, no wonder he's so big with the Germans. Take one look at this video and you'll agree, this chap's got it going on. Don't hassle the Hoff!

NICE!